For those of you that managed to miss it, a new search engine got launched recently, with much promises of surpassing Google in capacity, accuracy, and precision.

I have determined, with one simple action, that all of these claims are utterly false. I Googled myself (it's turned into a verb for a reason, let's admit it) on Cuil yesterday morning at the prompting of a coworker of mine, the more than infamous CheapSuits, to do so. There were three results, two of which appeared to be in Ukrainian and had nothing to do with me. The first result, however, was a blast from my readily forgotten past. It was an introduction post on a gamer's forum/site that I had joined and ultimately started to help out at (minor moderating duties, helped to organize efforts, etc) in 2005 at the behest of my then boyfriend. The site has been down for some time now, and Google no longer lists it as one of the top search results when you type in my name.

Cuil, however, does. And it provides, in it's scintillating and visually robust (but less useful) interface the details of the first couple lines of my post. Who you are: Caitlin Rosberg. Where you are: Chicago. Why you're here: I gave some answer about being really excited about the project (I actually was, once I got involved) then admitted that my boyfriend of the time had drug me into it initially.

As CheapSuits said: it used to be that you moved for a guy. Now you join a forum for him.

My response: I wish I could erase half of the things I did (or more) between the ages of 11 and 21. Since 21 there have been a few things, but far fewer than between 11 and 21. He suggested I blog on it. And so here we are, considering all that has changed in the almost four years since I posted that.

Allow me to digress for a moment away from the personal torment that is teenagedom. The point is: Cuil is really actually pretty crappy, at least for searching some things. You only get that result when you search my name in quotes, and even then it's not the first result. When you search without quotes, you get one of the results that Google offers every time, but none of the other answers, yet again, has anything to do with me.

So why is it that Cuil felt the need to plug themselves so vigorously in opposition to Google? Why did they hype themselves up to the point where some people (the ones who dislike Google because it reminds them of evil Microsoft, but with Segways and better medical benefits and better customer service....) actually really believed it was possible to overthrow the juggernaut, only to be largely disappointed?

Press. Publicity. Branding. Cuil is certainly pretty, it definitely has that going for it. It's one of the reasons that Google attracted so many people at first, is that it was so clean and simple. Now, it appeals with all of the customization options, the ease of use, and the fact that...let's face it. Everyone uses Google. It's the industry standard in the way AOL and Microsoft once were (I will argue that Microsoft isn't anymore...but I can see how people would argue against me on that one). Now Cuil is trying to get in on the action where Google originally launched itself. Here's where it went wrong:

1. Bad name. Bad bad bad bad bad. I said soo-ill for days until someone told me it was pronounced coo-el (cool). Bad name. To quote Steve Krug, or at least loosely paraphrase, anything that makes a question mark pop up over my head is a bad idea for any website.
2. Google does a lot more now than just search. With Google Desktop now getting distributed like crazy, GMail, Google Maps just revamped their look, an image search that actually works pretty well, services like Analytics, AdSense, and a whole cavalry of other solid, working offers that are (usually) free, why the hell would we want something else...especially if it doesn't work as well?
3. Google is not Microsoft. While some people don't like Google, and some conspiracy theorists feel that they are taking over the net too much (admit it, many of us have thought it), Google treats its employees and users pretty damned well. I've never heard from the cubicle or study room or apartment next to mine "GOD DAMN IT. Google crashed AGAIN and I just lost FOUR HOURS of work on my ." Even with Google Documents, that doesn't happen.
4. Were they not paying attention to all those great Ask.com ads that aired two, maybe three years ago on TV? The ads were awesome, the services were well thought out and user friendly, and the searches worked...but Ask.com still has just over one sixth the visits that Google has. I said it before, I'll say it again: it's a verb for a reason...kind of like Kleenex and Band-aid became common nouns instead of trademarked brands, UPS and FedEx became verbs, and LOLcats became luhl-cats.

Later, I will discuss Batman. Because I am a massive dork and I feel the need. But I need to go indulge in the best summer dessert ever: blackberry icecream in ginger ale. It's like a root beer float, only better.

I was just informed that we are out of blackberry ice cream. Because I love him, I will not kill my boyfriend. I may, however, demand that he go get more tomorrow. Since he didn't tell me that we were out while we were at the grocery store a few hours ago.

Either that, or I will post more pictures of him on the internet. He hates that.

Thank you for reading YouRuinedMyChildhood.com. It really means a lot to us here at YRMC that you would take the time out of your busy schedule to think about the fact that somewhere on the internet, your favorite childhood memory is being violated by fanfiction.